An Old Joke For The Modern Times.
Napoleon, who —due to the prayers of an endless amount of pious Frenchmen —ends up in Heaven, is watching from the above the successes of Ukrainian Uber-President, Zelensky, and is getting more and more anxious and jealous.
Sure enough, he was painted by famous artists, like David or Ingres, but not as famous as Annie Leibovitz, who flew over to Kiev for a special photo shoot. Furthermore, Zelensky's wife appears more gorgeous than Josephine in these photos, especially with the background of the destroyed Ukrainian airplane. Damn, thinks Napoleon. I wish I had crushed airplanes and tanks as the backdrop for my paintings, rather than some cheesy velvet curtains or some sickos in Jaffa.
So he writes a request to St. Peter: “Can I please visit Kiev, which I've missed during my march on Moscow in 1812. I hear they now have the greatest warrior of all time. You know, I never wanted to talk to Zhukov, or Patton, or Montgomery. These guys were not on my level, hard as they tried. Nor did I bother you, when Boris Johnson was flexing his muscle, and organizing the world war on behalf of Zelensky. Knowing human nature I knew it was all fake, so I wasn't interested in observing Boris fail. But I have a feeling that finally, someone who matches my military genius is born. They say, it takes nature 200 years to repeat its greatness, and I have a feeling that this is it.”
St. Peter understands the anxiety of one of the world's Greats, and sends a letter to Kiev. Can the Illustrious Emperor, Napoleon, visit your illustrious commander in chief?
Not so fast, — says Kiev. He has to fill the questionnaire first. We have to know what he thinks of Russia, how he values Bandera on the scale of greatness, is he willing to jump 100 times and scream on the top of his lungs, glory to the country which glorifies its Nazi collaborators. Plus, there are questions about pronouns, and the attitude toward climate change, and the Russia-Trump connection, which the State Department wanted us to include.
Napoleon answers all these questions with flying colors. Yes, not only do I hate Russia, I've even invaded it. And yes, I actually burned Moscow. And yes, I destroyed their economy and therefore contributed to reduction in air pollution, And, yes, we royals always use "we" and "they" when refer to other royals. And yes, I named my Marshal Bernadotte in honor of Bendera.
Fine— answers Kiev —you qualify, but the earliest our glorious president can see you will be next month. Besides daily consultations with the State Department, Pentagon, and six Secret Ministries of Her Highness in Great Britain, our president will be doing another photo-shoot for Vanity Fair, and for Rolling Stones, and for Page Three of the Star, Telegraph, and the Guardian. Then, he has to address the governors of every American State, including Australia and New Zealand, telling them that they better pay, or they be portrayed as Putin stooges at Vanity Fair, Rolling Stones, The Star, Telegraph and The Guardian. And NYT, of course.
Serious politician -- thinks Napoleon and agrees to wait. How come I've never done that, wasting my time on getting my generals to prove themselves on the battlefield, then marrying into royal families, then slowly accumulating power, and sending me a meager 10% in support of my Grand Armee? After I've opened the road of glory to them.
Napoleon waits a month, and finally— the meeting in Kiev. Zelensky is organizing a military parade, as he is ready to start his brilliant operation, called "Taking Moscow, 1,2,3."
Look at these HIMARS, brags Zelensky. Brand new from America. Look at these British rocket launchers, German tanks, Polish airplanes and beautiful nurses ready to take care of every inconvenience experienced by my soldiers. And look at these soldiers, their glorious tattoos, their faces, turned into death masks, due to the years of training and coke snorting! Admit, with the army like that, you'd never lost Waterloo.
Surprisingly, Napoleon pays very little attention to all this hardware, and tattooware. He is glued to the screen of his phone, looking in utter admiration at the speed with which any news from Ukraine is immediately broadcasted all over the world.
Who cares about the army? — finally answers Napoleon. My tough and experienced soldiers who fought all over the world from Egypt to Moscow, were the greatest. But what I admire is your full control of the information flow. How would the world be able to even find out anything about Waterloo, as the media, social platforms, and other sources of information, print every Ukrainian fantasy, while blocking any real news from the front.
Zelensky proudly smiles, and says to Napoleon: Indeed, and sorry for cutting the interview shot. Time to do another photoshoot at Le Figaro and Le Monde. By the way, maybe you can help me with French. I am trying to convince Macron that my picture should be taken as I sit on the top of Arc Arc de Triomphe and Tour Eiffel simultaneously, while he is kissing my feet and serving me champagne. And by the way, how do you say in French, "Glory to the former butchers, who are now our heroes." Similar to us, the French have to recognize our founding fathers. After all, it was our heroes’ example that had taught us to organize butchery all over Ukraine, and then bring the corpses to Butcha, and blame it on Russians. And the rest, as you've observed, was just a matter of media.
